Dec 22, 2009

Bitchy, depressed blog

Have you ever had one of those mornings when you wake up so depressed you just go “arghhhhh please no, not another day!” ? Yeah, today is one of them. Yesterday I realized I will no longer have a person in my life, someone I care about deeply. Isn’t it strange how attached we get to so many things even if we know …well, at least if we think about it, that at some point it will, with no doubt, end.

And I am talking about ALL the things that we become attached to, whether it’s something you like to do that at some point you won't be able to do it anymore, or if it's a pet that you know it’s gonna die ….or a person, because that’s gonna end too. They will in the worse case die, or just leave you or simply turn out to be different from who you thought they were or who they seemed to be. Either way it will reach an end and you will get hurt. By the time we are 80 (if we ever reach that age) we have been heartbroken and crushed so many times we are just damaged shells of what we used to be and can’t even recognize ourselves in our young times memories.

And yet, we have to bond and care … it’s just nature’s way to keep us going. Our desire to live / will to survive is obviously stronger when we are attached like this. However, I do consciously try to avoid it and most of the times I succeed. It’s very rare that I let someone get close to me … and I never once cared about a person to later stop caring about them. Never happened. And I’m talking about all kinds of relationships, from an ex boyfriend to family, friends, whatever. Even after years went by with no contact and I still care about them and if I allow myself to get swept in the memories, I miss them deeply. And even though I know many people can go from caring about someone to not giving a fuck about them, I know for sure that “endings” are no fun for anyone. Anyway, no matter what happens we do go on … more damaged and fucked up every time but we continue. With few exceptions.

I also hate how distracting those personal dramas are. I feel like … well, not like a have a “mission” but I do see the world for what it is and I feel like I have to do something. Because most people don’t want to see it, they are content with making the best out of each day and never stop to take a look around. We are destroying ourselves, we are destroying the world we live in and everything around us. And if we who can see that don’t try to change it ..who will ? Whenever I see Maryam Namazie speak I get humbled by her will and bravery. I hope someday I will grow enough "balls" to do more than just talk to a camera.

But I don’t think it’s gonna happen today. Today I plan on watching a movie, maybe make a book review if I’m up for it and hopefully we’ll get some clear skies cos I always feel better after stargazing. Btw …thanks M. for putting up with my moodiness ;)

If you had the patience to read all this crap, I'm really sorry ;) Here is a real activist, Maryam Namazie's :

26 comments:

DocX said...

Not sure what is going on in your life, but I am sorry it troubles you. I do hope you feel some solace in knowing that you reach so many on these internets and you have many important things to say.

Helica said...

I think I know what you're saying. I have had to end relationships with friends for one reason or another. It didn't matter that I was mad with them, or if their actions were unforgivable. I missed them all the time. I think about some people and the connection we had and it makes me sad. I hate losing people (I guess everyone does).

I think it is a shame people do not want to see the problems in the world. They could make a difference, not just for the greater good but also for themselves. They would feel some amount of contentment/achievement if they were involved in making things change. They could live in a happier world.
I didn't mean to ramble on for so long.
Have a good Christmas x

dustypaws said...

I might just give you a hug! :)

Egoist Paul said...

Wow. It must be hard and upsetting to learn about the inevitable event of the person you are attached to, and thinking about it can be a depressing experience and crush the desire to live for another day in this world. I guess that's life. We cannot change what we cannot change even when we want to. sigh.

I watched Maryam Namazie's video. She has a powerful voice... She talked about the Sharia law and humanity. I'm guessing... the conflict in the Middle East and the religion of Islam has a lot to do with this???

Capitão Estrelar said...

At least we don´t give the control of our emotions to imaginaries beens my cute. =P

Goose said...

That is really a deep, thoughtful, and brilliant post. Yes, unfortunately, after you get crushed a few times you just get hard and callous. I don't want to be that way, but I see it happening to me. We all just have to keep moving forward, to fulfill our missions in life, and we just have to push through the wreckage. I wish you the best, and thank you for your great videos.

The Discipulus said...

I've been a Buddhist for sometime now, and I must say that it has helped me with many situations where either I had to let go of something, or someone/something has left me. You don't have to be an unemotional person, but to just be able to let go of the 'cling'ness to desire those emotions.

Our desire/will to live does not have to rely on what we hold on to, but rather on what our experiences have made us into and what we want to become as we go on with our life.

The elderly have seen love and pain and turmoil throughout their lives, but it's their choice on whether they want to become damaged because of these experiences or not.

Life gives us a lot of suffering, and the reason why we suffer is because of our attachment to those things that have the potential to make us suffer. We can learn when to let go and cease to attach ourselves to those things. (From the four noble truths)

You've had a great amount of people following you so far. You don't have to stand by a microphone and speak your mind anymore to share your views with the world. A webcam in a room in Romania can speak to the world just as well nowadays.

I hope you resolve this recent ending in your life, and I hope you pass through it with the least bit of suffering as possible. Best of luck.

jamal said...

something in your post reminded me of this story here:
http://www.indianchild.com/most_beautiful_heart.htm

sorry, this is totally out of context, but regarding your atheist views i have one comment: whatever you believe in, most important, after all, is to believe in yourself.

agree? ;)

Anonymous said...

awwwwww... poor girl... you can cry on my sholder... i hope tomorrow to be that jimy clif day... "I can see clearly now, the rain's gone"...

love you... keep your videos coming...

Jan said...

This too shall pass. Take care.

Capitão Estrelar said...

K-rina, I made this video for you. Look for ""Lost for K-rina!!! =)

Anonymous said...

I'm sure you'll feel much better after some Stargazing :)

Colt Buckley said...

I know what you mean about caring for people long after you have parted ways with them. I often feel the same. I can think of one person in general of late whom I can't imagine not caring for. She and I were in a long distance relationship for nearly two and a half years but it came to an end back in June. I feel as if I am unable to get over her at all because I care so deeply for her still. It's been months, I've had plenty of time without her, but it hasn't changed a thing for me. And there are So many others whom I have cared for in the past and miss all the time, though I feel sure most have forgotten about me for the most part.

I've really connected with this blog entry of yours. Most of the feelings and emotions you put into this lines up with my feelings and emotions on the same subjects quite well. Seeing as that doesn't happen very often in my case this blog was a nice read...

Muggins said...

Re: Maryiam Namazie - She is so right that political Islam is unacceptable. But, she crowds the stew by joining the fight against nationalism with the fight against radical Islam. The Islamists are fighting nationalism, too. It is not nationalism that Iran is developing nuclear capability. It is not in the name of nationalism that the Taliban invades Afghanistan and threatens Pakistan.

Patrick said...

K-rina: just came across your stuff last night on Youtube. I can tell that you are very intelligent.

And this is a great post here that you've made imo. Most people remain oblivious that life is transitory and that all things die. I'm 25 and I've just been noticing these type of insights myself in the last few months...very recently. So, I'm still working on integrating them into my life.

Also, in another thread on this blog, I saw that you mentioned that you are married to a Christian?! I'm just curious on that....
Any person that I'm good friends with or dating, if they happen to hold religious beliefs, I will work on deconverting and "deprogramming" them. It's just something that I do spontaneously and naturally. So, is that what you are doing with our husband? :)

Anyways, you're so smart, I trust that you'll be able to resolve + come to an understanding of the transitory nature of life. Good luck !

Anonymous said...

You should have put out more of that ass instead of putting so much of that mouth...unless you want to wrap it around my big stiff one.

John H said...

Hang in there k-rina, you have family, friends and fans thinking of you. Sometimes life sucks but even when it does, you hope to learn something from it.
Your giving idiots a bad name.
Goatmin

ps Anonymous, you should sue that Dr for the botched lobotmy!

John H said...

K-rina,

my comment above didn't formay correctly. The idiot line should have been with the ps. Don't know why it jumped up to the main body.

Goatmin

Patrick said...

It's Patrick again. I commented above. Here's two excerpts that I came across just yesterday on death. They're both written by the Indian philosopher Osho (an atheist + anti-theist). I think he has some good insights:

www.globalserve.net/~sarlo/Disc_Death3.htm
www.globalserve.net/~sarlo/Meditation3.htm

Kenwood Dennard said...

K-rina you have the same heart as that courageous woman maryam namazie.
gettup standup.. stand up for ya rigiht!!! gettup stand up ... don't give up the fight.
I recognize it. It's the same committed fight and I had the same tears welling up listening to both of you. Peace
youuu diggg! you rockk! :-)

Anonymous said...

Yes, life is fucked up. Indeed, it's more fucked up than you probably realize. Everything turns to shit, and in the end entropy always wins.

BUT... it doesn't (always) have to be this way. Aging, disease, disability, suffering, poverty, and ignorance can all be abolished. Science and technology can give us the means to remake ourselves from the ground up, and get rid of all our imperfections. Life, love & happiness don't have to be short and fragile -- they could be eternal. The flesh is weak, but science is strong; it's time to move beyond the backward distractions of religion and politics, and fully embrace the liberating power of reason, science, and technology. Humanism is the past; this is the Age of Transhumanism. Spread the meme.

Robert Pace said...

You really have quite a good head on your shoulders. A college professor of mine put a link to your 'origin of stupidity' post as a class assignment in my evolution class and I have been a solid fan since. You do the internet a wonderful service by sharing your thoughts and feelings on pertinent topics. I appreciate the effort which goes into your posts.

I wish you the very best in 2010.

Anonymous said...

My mother used to tell me when I was young and aprehensive about the future that "you are living in exciting times." This always gave me comfort. My wife would say "Don't give life to the negative." Watch the words you use and the feelings you have because if you are not careful you could bring negative to life. You help so many people put their feelings into words. Use positive to overcome the negative in the world. You have much more courage than you think.

Asehpe said...

Indeed, we've all been abandoned, or had loved ones die, or discovered they were not as we thought. And yet we bond.

It's not simply because 'we work better this way'. It's also because we learn something (like Kyle in the first-seasons South Park: I think I've learned something today.)

The people who turn out different from what we thought teach us about ourselves. Why DID we expect them to be different? What were we looking at? (I learned to say to myself: don't think: whoever I meet, I will be disappointed. Think: whoever I meet, s/he won't be exactly as she seems, and I'll have stuff to discover. Good and bad. On and on. After I discover one bad thing, I'll discover a good one. And on and on. And... I'll learn more about myself, and the things that I like to look for in other people.)

When they leave... when we're left alone... then we feel a certain closure, and we think about the amount of time and space that is now open in our lives. To do something with. As we lament the end of something that may have been good at some point, we leave ourselves open for other things around, things that may be just as interesting. (I learned to say to myself: what is gone was good. I hurt because it ended. But now, what is next?)

And the same when they die. Of course, plus the reflection on the end of life, on the extinction of one consciousness, beautiful in itself, and thrills (or pangs of fear?) about the meaning of this nothingness. But still the same.

And the memories they left with us? These are to be cherished, and kept on, for those times later in life when we will reminisce, when our daily life will seem less important than what we left behind. These memories will be the little novel that we will write with our life, this tiny, imperceptible little life in this enormous universe, yet a life, with a meaning, and a heart. A story, a path, a heart.

There is glory in that, enough to make us smile. And go on.

All my best to you, Criss.

Anonymous said...

This lady is what is known as a Useful Idiot for the Islamists. She is of use, but they despise her as much as they dispise all non-muslims!

esmatsh said...

I don't think you can reason on this one and succeed, sharia law is the foundation for all Muslims sects and their goals is to establish that law which governs all aspects of life, what are you going to expect from a three year old who was raised praying for Alla five time a day behind his father at a mosque? printed in his mind the ridiculous teachings of hatred and 72 virgins in heaven, Educated Muslim doctors and psychiatric are blowing themselves up for such a reward....anyway keep the torch lit but be careful.

Post a Comment